


My Last Five Years

by pcrrycox



Category: Scrubs (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, M/M, Trans JD, no one on this show is straight
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-06-03 22:38:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6629842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pcrrycox/pseuds/pcrrycox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It had been five years – five whole years – since JD had seen Perry.  After everything happened, JD had put in applications to hospitals all over the country in a desperate attempt to get away. They were all across the country, though part of him wondered if that would be far enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It had been five years – _five whole years –_ since JD had seen Perry. After everything happened, JD had put in applications to hospitals all over the country in a desperate attempt to get away. He was accepted by several of them, the more prestigious ones being Mayo Clinic, Massachusetts General, and Johns Hopkins. He had thrown their names in a hat and picked one at random. They were all across the country, though part of him wondered if that would be far enough.

That was how JD ended up living in a small, one bedroom apartment in Boston. He didn't have many friends and none that he actually spoke to outside of work. He was liked well enough by his colleagues, and still went the extra mile for his patients, but neither the distance nor the time away from Perry made things any easier like he thought it might.

Sure, Turk and Carla and Elliot visited him occasionally, but it wasn't the same. JD wasn't who he used to be and neither were the other three. He was missing things: Turk coming out, his first few boyfriends that didn't last very long, when he met Steve and they hit it off, when Carla and Elliot finally got together after several years of dancing around the idea that they might not be as straight as they thought. Phone calls and FaceTime only got JD so far and after they'd hang up, he would feel the familiar stab of loneliness.

He had become accustomed to living alone, to going about his own business and for the most part, he was able to convince himself he was happy, at least on the surface level. There wasn't a day that went by that he didn't think about Perry, about the good times they'd had before it all went to hell. He hated that, after five years, he was still thinking about him, still somehow in love with him after all that had been said – and shouted – between them. He remembered everything about that night, even if it tore him up inside to think about it. Sometimes he was able to block it out and just think about the good things. There were plenty of them to dwell on, after all, in the nearly two years they'd been together. But the good things only lasted so long before he went back to that night.

* * *

 

_“So, Per,” JD said casually as he sat back down on the couch, curling against Perry's side as he set their beers down on the coffee table, “I've been thinking.”_

_“Well, that's always dangerous, isn't it?” Perry chuckled, putting an arm around JD's shoulders._

_JD smiled, resting his head on Perry's shoulder. How many times had they sat in these exact positions on the couch, talking with the TV muted? “Well, we've been dating for a while now,” JD said slowly, playing with a string on the hem of Perry's t-shirt._

_“Your point?” Perry asked, arching an eyebrow as he looked at JD from the corner of his eye. His tone was cautious, worrying that the conversation was going where he thought._

_JD became slightly nervous, Perry's tone not encouraging. “I was just wondering if you wanted to... you know, make things... official,” he said, refusing to look up at Perry._

_Perry tensed beneath JD, his jaw tightening. “JD, you know how I feel about marriage,” he said flatly._

_“I know, I know,” JD said quickly, trying to placate Perry before things got out of hand. “It's just... I_ don't _feel that way about marriage. Can't we at least have an actual conversation about it?” He sat up, shrugging Perry's arm off his shoulders as he watched him carefully._

 _Perry ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “I don't want to get married, JD,” he said firmly, looking anywhere but JD's face. “What's so wrong about just_ being together _?”_

 _JD sighed. “There's nothing_ wrong _with it,” he said tiredly. “I guess I just want to know why.”_

_Perry scoffed, nearly rolling his eyes. “I would think it'd be pretty obvious.”_

_“Perry, I know things between you and Jordan didn't end well, but I'm_ not _Jordan. Our relationship is different than that. It's not like I'm asking for the moon here. I just want to be yours and for you to be mine!”_

_“We're already like that!” Perry insisted, finally looking at JD. “I don't need a damn piece of paper to tell me that.”_

_“It's not just a piece of paper,” JD said, clearly hurt by the dismissal. “This is something that's important to me, can't you see that?”_

_“I_ can _see that,” Perry said. “I won't pretend to understand it, though. It's just not gonna happen, JD. You need to come to terms with that.”_

_JD narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “So that's it?” he asked flatly. “You won't even hear me out, won't compromise?”_

_Perry ran a hand down his face, sighing in exasperation. “When are you gonna stop trying to turn me into someone I'm not?” he asked, suddenly standing up from the couch._

_JD was surprised by both Perry's words and movements. “What the hell are you talking about?” he asked incredulously._

_“I'm not a kid, JD, like you!” Perry spat. “I'm not one of your friends and I'm not just gonna do whatever it is you want!”_

_JD opened his mouth for a moment before closing it. He repeated the gesture a few times, feeling small as he watched Perry start to pace. “You... you're supposed to be my best friend,” he said quietly. “I didn't think I was asking for the world, just to be..._ yours _.”_

_JD's softened tone and demeanor did nothing to diminish Perry's sudden anger. “I should have put a stop to this a long time ago,” he said, his voice completely without emotion. “We're just too different. I'm older than you and – and we should never have done this in the first place.”_

_JD swore his heart stopped beating for a moment and his voice shook when he finally found the ability to speak. “Wh-what are you saying, Perry?”_

_“Don't make this harder than it has to be,” Perry replied, sinking down onto a chair across the room._

_JD didn't care that tears were beginning to well up in his eyes, didn't care if their neighbors could hear them fighting. “What has all this been to you?” he asked loudly, his hurt showing in his voice and his expression._

_Perry's jaw tightened. “It doesn't matter anymore. It's what it is_ now. _And that's... that's nothing.”_

 _JD let out a sob, Perry's words ripping right through him. “At least have the decency to_ look _at me!” he shouted, rising from the couch as his tears began to flow freely. “Don't fucking do this, Perry. We can talk about things! I_ love _you!”_

_Perry shook his head, standing again and staring determinedly at the floor. “I think you should leave. You can get your things when I'm at work.” His voice was completely calm, devoid of emotion._

_JD made no attempt to hide his pain, making heartbreaking noises as he cried. “Perry, no, please, we – we don't have to get married, not now,” he said desperately, walking over to Perry and clinging to his shirt. “Please don't do this. I love you so much, more than anything.”_

_If JD's words had any effect on Perry, he didn't let it show. “I want you to leave, JD,” he said quietly, his arms hanging at his sides._

_JD shook his head quickly, refusing to let go of Perry. “What about everything you've said?” he begged. “That you love me and that you'd never leave me or – or hurt me?”_

_“Things change,” Perry answered, staring at the wall behind JD rather than his face. “People change.”_

_JD rested his forehead against Perry's shoulder. “Please, I'm begging you,” he whispered, past the point of tears. “I need you in my life, Perry. I've never loved anyone the way I love you. Don't do this.”_

_Perry slowly took JD's hands off his shirt, gently pushing him away. “You need to leave. Now.”_

_JD barely managed to keep from folding in on himself and sinking to the floor. “I – I will_ never _forgive you for this,” he said in a shaking voice, staring at Perry._

_“Wouldn't expect you to,” Perry said simply, striding out of the living room and into his bedroom, the door slamming shut behind him._

* * *

 

So, it had been five years. Almost to the day. And here JD was, standing outside Turk's apartment once again with nowhere else to go. He'd considered getting a hotel for his visit, but he would rather be around his best friend again, as much as possible. He knocked – _shave and haircut, two bits!_ – and waited, his suitcase on the floor beside him. He hadn't told anyone he was coming to visit so he hoped he wasn't interrupting anything.

Turk opened the door moments later, his face immediately lighting up once he saw JD. “Steve, JD's here!” he called excitedly as he wrapped JD in a tight hug. JD hugged him back, of course. It had been so long since he'd even been touched by someone else, let alone held like this.

Steve appeared in the doorway, sidestepping Turk to start hauling in JD's luggage. “Hey,” he said cheerfully, chuckling as he watched Turk attach himself to JD.

“Hi guys,” JD said with a small smile. “I wanted it to be a surprise, I hope it's okay that I just showed up.”

“Are you kidding?” Turk practically shouted. “It's been way too long! Steve and I have been talking about coming out to see you! But come inside.”

JD followed Turk and Steve back into the apartment, which looked just the same as he remembered. It was oddly comforting. “So, how's everyone been?” he asked, making conversation as he looked around, smiling fondly when he saw Rowdy in the corner.

“Good,” Turk said brightly. “Really good, actually.” He glanced at Steve, a warm smile on his face.

JD looked between them, feeling almost as if he was intruding on something private, though all they were doing was looking at each other. “Well, that's, you know, good,” he said awkwardly, choosing to look around the apartment again rather than watch them.

Steve looped an arm around Turk's waist, smiling at JD when he and Turk broke their eye contact. Turk looked a little more concerned, but he didn't comment on JD's demeanor. “Your room's still your room, of course,” Turk offered, keeping his tone light. “How long are you staying?”

JD shrugged. “Not sure yet,” he said, sitting down on the couch that had been in the apartment since they moved in. “I cashed in some of my vacation days. Needed a break.”

Turk nodded in understanding, sitting down next to JD and putting an arm around him. “You're welcome to stay as long as you want,” he told JD, still making an effort to keep his tone light. “Carla and Elliot will be really excited to see you.”

JD managed a smile. “Yeah, I've missed all you guys,” he said genuinely. Not even Turk knew how lonely JD was since he'd never told Turk that he hadn't really made any friends over the past five years.

A somewhat awkward silence followed before JD stood up from the couch. “I think I'm gonna go to bed,” he said, forcing a yawn. “Long flight and everything.”

“Yeah, sure,” Turk said quickly, shooting a worried look at Steve as he helped JD carry his bags into his room. “Hey, JD?” he asked as he stood in the doorway, watching JD sit down on the bed.

“What's up, Brown Bear?”

“You – you're okay, right?” Turk asked, his brows furrowing.

“Course I am,” JD assured him, unwilling to have any big talks right now. Turk had been there for him that night five years ago and always would be, but the fact remained that JD just wasn't ready to reopen that wound. “Just tired.”

Turk nodded, though he remained unconvinced. “All right, well, Steve and I are probably gonna head to bed too, so just shout if you need anything.”

“Thanks, Turk,” JD said softly, hoping Turk knew that he wasn't just thanking him for a place to stay.

“Don't mention it,” Turk replied with a smile. He knew.

* * *

 

JD slept in much later than he usually did on his days off, having missed the feeling of his own bed. It wasn't that his bed back in Boston was uncomfortable, but it wasn't _his._ Nothing there was his, not as far as he was concerned. When he finally padded out into the living room, he found the apartment empty apart from a note on the table. Turk was at work and Steve had classes, but they'd carpooled and left Turk's car for him in case he needed to go out. After some breakfast, which somehow tasted better even though it was the same thing he ate every morning in Boston, he decided to get dressed and pick Turk up from work.

JD couldn't shake the feeling that this was his home. It wasn't Ohio, where he'd grown up and it wasn't Boston, where he'd lived for the past five years. It was right here, in the city where he'd become a real doctor, where he'd found the most overwhelming, intense, passionate, all-encompassing love he'd ever had and also where he'd lost it. Whether he liked it or not, this was home.

* * *

 

The last five years of Perry's life had passed without much incident once the initial reaction to his and JD's breakup died down. Turk, Elliot, and even Carla made it very clear where they stood. Losing Carla's friendship had hurt more than Perry let on, but he quickly forced himself to get over it. After all, wasn't that the whole point of it all? He was better off alone.

There wasn't a day that went by that he didn't think of JD. The first couple years proved to be even more difficult than he'd anticipated and his alcohol intake reflected that. He used up a lot of his vacation days in favor of spending his time on the couch, a glass of scotch always in hand. It wasn't until he'd come to work drunk off his ass and Kelso stepped in, threatening to fire him, his status as “Best Doctor in the City” be damned, that Perry decided to quit drinking. Despite everything that had happened, his career as a doctor was still the most important thing in his life and now it was all he had. He'd screwed everything else up, every _one_ in fact, but he could not and _would not_ lose this.

He quit cold turkey, dumped every last bottle of liquor down the drain, though it killed him to do it. He didn't go to meetings – he didn't need that touchy-feely shit. He could do this on his own. And through nothing but sheer force of will did Perry manage to stay sober.

It still took a long time after getting sober for Perry to really realize and then admit to himself what he'd done. He had known from the moment he walked out on JD that he'd lost the best thing that had ever happened to him, but that didn't mean he knew _why_ he'd done it. His epiphany hadn't come until nearly four years after the night in question. He'd been sitting on the couch in his usual spot, looking at the TV but not really watching it, when he'd started replaying the whole fight in his mind. He remembered his exact words and exactly how he'd felt when he said them. But he never paid much attention to how he'd felt when he listened to what JD had said. And it hit him suddenly, with the force of a freight train.

He'd been _scared._ Perry Cox had been terrified, right to his core, by the idea of marriage, of settling down. Looking back, he'd had no reason to be and would give absolutely anything to take it all back, to go back to that night and change course. He had done what he'd always feared most of all; he had hurt JD. He'd _ruined_ him. His last words still rang in Perry's ears: _“I will never forgive you for this.”_ Perry never expected him to, but his realization made the next year even more painful. Every day without seeing JD, every moment spent not by his side, without hearing his voice, made Perry hate himself even more. He had truly ruined his one and only shot at happiness out of fear. He'd lashed out instead of being honest with JD and himself because Perry wasn't capable of vulnerability. Not then, anyway.

There had been several times where the pain was almost too much to bear. Had he kept alcohol in the apartment, there had been no doubt in his mind that he would have relapsed. Instead, he had sat outside Turk's apartment and tried to convince himself to go up and ask for JD's contact information. But he hadn't. He could never get up the courage to even turn off the car and he was almost one hundred percent certain that Turk would threaten to kill him if he ever came around again. He didn't blame him.

Perry spent the next year wanting nothing more than to have an opportunity to apologize, but he didn't even know where JD had moved to. For all Perry knew, he could have gotten a job across town, but he suspected that JD had gotten as far away as he could. He worried about him, wondered if he'd found someone who treated him right, like he deserved, like Perry should have. He knew wishing and wanting did him no good, but JD had been it for him. There would never be anybody else.

When Perry rounded the corner toward the exit of the hospital on an average Tuesday, the last thing he expected to see was JD's familiar form standing near the door. He looked smaller than Perry remembered, less confident. When they had been together, JD had always stood tall, kept his head held high. He looked diminished somehow, like he was trying to blend in rather than stand out. His hair was still styled in the exact way Perry remembered it. JD had always told him it made him feel taller. It didn't have the same effect now. His arms weren't so much crossed as they were wrapped around himself as he watched orderlies and doctors pass. No one paid him much attention.

Perry's heart was threatening to burst out of his chest it was pounding so hard, and he couldn't help but walk slowly toward JD, hoping that JD didn't see him coming. It wasn't difficult to walk up near him, what with JD now leaning against the wall and staring at the floor. He seemed to be attempting to melt into the wall, to become one with it. Perry felt a stab of sorrow as he looked at him, wondering why he was here and why he seemed so... different.

“Never thought I'd see you here again,” Perry said casually as he leaned against the wall a few feet away from JD. He couldn't believe how calm he sounded when he was positively screaming inside.

JD's head snapped up and his eyes fell on Perry, though he'd known exactly whose voice it was as soon as he heard it. “I'm picking Turk up,” he said, his voice completely neutral. He'd perfected his emotionless tone and expression years ago. “His shift's almost over.”

Perry watched JD carefully, hating that his voice sounded both the same and somehow different... emptier. “Just in town for a visit?” he asked, making conversation though he knew he had no right to even look at JD, let alone speak to him.

JD nodded. “Vacation,” he answered after a moment, unsure of why he was telling Perry anything. The constant ache in his chest was now starting to throb, leaving him breathless. “Kelso saw me and offered me my job back.”

Perry raised his eyebrows momentarily before forcing his expression back to polite curiosity. “Sounds like you made quite the impression on him back then,” he commented, knowing full well that JD made an impression on everyone he met. He didn't dare ask whether or not JD took the job, afraid of the answer.

“Guess so,” JD said with a shrug, not quite meeting Perry's eyes. “I'm just gonna wait in the parking lot if you don't mind...” He trailed off, inching his way toward the door.

“Newb – JD, wait,” Perry said before he could stop himself, easily lapsing back into the nickname. From the moment he had spotted JD, he knew that this was the opportunity he never thought he'd get and that he'd never forgive himself if he didn't at least _try._ Seeing JD was probably both the best and worst thing for him. He _needed_ to see him, but he was quite certain that he had no chance at even getting JD to listen to him.

JD closed his eyes for a long moment and took a deep breath. “Perry, whatever it is you have to say, just... please don't,” he said softly. “I can't take it.”

“Look, JD,” Perry said quickly, taking a small step closer, “you don't owe me anything. In fact, I'm pretty shocked you haven't punched me yet. But if you could just listen to me for a minute, there are some things I really need to say to you.”

JD wanted to get away, to be anywhere else but there, but something kept him from walking away. “Fine,” he said flatly. “Say it.”

Perry breathed out a sigh of relief, but it only lasted for a moment. “I know that I've given you every reason in the world to hate me and that you said you'd never forgive me for what I did, but you have to know that I never stopped loving you,” he said, trying to keep his voice from shaking. He had to lay it all on the line, truly be vulnerable for the first time in his life. “There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about you, wondered where you were, if you were doing okay. It took me a while to realize it – a lot longer than it should have – but I did what I did because I was so scared. And I know that's not an excuse and that it doesn't take away any of the pain I caused you, but I – I'm a different person now. I'm not the man I was when I said all those things. And I just need to know if there's any chance, any at all, that you might consider giving me another chance. And if there's not, I'll understand. I just have to know.” Perry takes a deep breath when he's finished, waiting for JD's reaction.

JD remained stone-faced throughout Perry's entire speech, though he hadn't been sure if he'd be able to. A small part of him, the part he'd locked away five years ago, just wanted to forgive Perry on the spot and walk into his arms, but it was never going to be that simple. Instead, he settled for the one thing that would really dig into Perry. “You hurt me,” he said in a quiet, controlled voice. “You promised me that you never would, but you did.”

Perry nodded. “I know, JD. Believe me, I know, and I've spent every day since then hating myself for it,” he said, his tone completely serious. “But I'm telling you right now that if I could take it all back, I would. All I want is to show you how sorry I am, to make it up to you somehow.”

“Make it up to me?” JD asked incredulously, finally showing emotion. “How are you going to make it up to me when I've spent the last five years so fucking lonely because all I can think about it _you_? You _ruined_ me.”

Perry's heart broke with every word, but he was still unwilling to give up. “JD, if you don't believe anything else I say right now, just know that I am so incredibly sorry for what I've done to you,” he said imploringly. “You deserve so much better than what I ever gave you, but I've taken a long, hard look at myself and I realized that I want to give you everything. I want to marry you, I want the picket fence, I want to have kids, maybe get a cat. I want whatever you want and this time, I _mean_ it.”

JD floundered for a moment, taken aback by Perry's words. “You want to marry me?” he breathed, his eyes searching Perry's face for any sign of dishonesty. Even after so many years, JD couldn't convince himself that he didn't want to marry Perry. It was all he'd wanted for so long that he could barely focus on anything else Perry said.

“I want that more than anything,” Perry said, his voice full of conviction. “I finally understand why you wanted it so much and I am _so_ sorry that I wasn't ready when you were.” The further the conversation went, the more Perry hated himself for everything he'd done, which had already been a considerable amount.

JD felt his resolve starting to weaken. It was easier not to forgive Perry when he wasn't standing right in front of JD, practically proposing. “I never hated you for what you did,” he said quietly, looking at the floor. “I never stopped loving you. But what you did... it changed me. I'm not who I used to be either. I'm just... I'm _numb._ ”

“Please, JD,” Perry begged, doing everything in his power not to touch JD without his permission though he wanted nothing more than to hold him close. “Please, just let me show you that I'm serious. I know I haven't done anything to make you believe you can trust me, but – but you can now.”

“I'm just so tired, Perry,” JD whispered, his arms going limp at his sides. “I'm tired of missing you. When I left, I thought being away from you would make it easier, and then I was away from my friends. So I took the job.”

Perry looked confused by JD's words. “You took the job to get away from your friends too?” he asked slowly.

JD shook his head. “No, I took the job Kelso offered me a half hour ago,” he said, finally looking up at Perry with watery eyes.

“You – you're coming back?” Perry asked, his heart leaping at the thought.

“I'm coming _home_ ,” JD corrected. “I might have come back sooner, but I never got up the courage to ask how you were doing. Carla wouldn't even tell me anything.”

Perry wasn't sure where JD was going with this. “She and I don't talk anymore,” he informed JD, trying not to hope too hard for what this might mean for them.

“Oh,” JD said quietly, clearly still trying to fight off his tears. “I just... I wanted to know how you were, but no one would tell me.”

Perry swallowed. “I – I was pretty bad for the first couple years. Drank a lot,” he explained. “But after I got sober and decided to stay that way... that's when I realized I broke up with you just because I was scared. I pushed you away because I couldn't face my own feelings.”

JD made a small noise as his tears began to fall. “I tried to hate you, Perry,” he said thickly, “but I couldn't. You meant so much to me. That didn't just go away.”

“S-so, there's no one else?” Perry asked after a long pause, feeling quite choked up himself.

“There was never gonna be anyone else,” JD said in a shaky voice, wiping at his cheeks in a futile attempt to stop crying. “Even after everything I went through, there couldn't be anyone else but you.”

Perry's heart started to pound once again, unsure if JD was saying what Perry thought he might be. “I guess I just have to know where this leaves us,” he said gently, still resisting the urge to reach out to JD.

JD blinked up at Perry, silent tears still streaming down his face. “Right where we should have been,” he choked out before crossing the distance between them and burying his face in the crook of Perry's neck, holding onto him for dear life.

Perry didn't hesitate, not even for a moment, in wrapping his arms around JD as tightly as he could without hurting him. He buried his face in JD's hair, his eyes closed. “It's okay, Newbie,” he murmured. “You're okay.”

JD let out a sob against Perry's labcoat. “I didn't have anyone in Boston,” he whispered. “I didn't even tell Turk. They all thought I had friends, but I didn't. I was so alone, Perry, and all I wanted was you.”

“I'm here now,” Perry said soothingly, wondering if his heart might actually tear in two. “I won't leave you, JD, I promise. I'm gonna marry you and I'll be with you through everything from this point on.”

JD slowly relaxed his grip on Perry's labcoat in favor of wrapping his arms around Perry, holding him just as tightly. “I love you,” he managed to get out through his tears. “That's all I've ever wanted.”

“You can have anything,” Perry promised. “Anything in the world you want, JD, it's yours.”

“Please just take me home,” JD said softly. “I want to go home with you.”

Before Perry could reply, Turk's voice floated down the hallway. “Over my dead body is he going home with _you_.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

                It occurred to Perry that he should have known this was too good to be true.  Things had resolved too quickly, too easily.  JD would listen to his best friend, come to his senses, and that would be the end of it.  He’d never look back and Perry would be right back where he’d been twenty minutes prior – alone. 

                That was why it surprised him when JD pulled out of the hug, but did not let go of Perry.  Instead, he wrapped an arm around Perry’s waist and tucked himself under Perry’s arm.  “Turk, please,” he said weakly, looking up at Turk with red-rimmed eyes.

                Turk walked down the hallway toward JD and Perry, looking furious.  “I’m not kidding, JD,” he said flatly, his arms crossed.  “Like hell are you going home with him.  It’s not happening.”

                “Turk,” JD said again, seeming to shrink with the weight of his best friend’s words.  “I just got him back.  I – I’m not having this conversation right now.”

                “Look, Gandhi,” Perry started, but Turk held up a hand without even looking at him.

                “I’d suggest just shutting the hell up right now, Cox,” Turk snarled.  “And what do you mean ‘you just got him back’?  What happened to him breaking your heart?  I’m sure I don’t have to remind you of that night.  You know, the one where you showed up at my place crying your eyes out and looking like someone died.  And someone might as well have, with the way you acted the next few weeks.”

                “I remember,” JD said quietly.  “But I never stopped loving him.  There’s no way I could have.  And, Turk, I’ve been so _lonely_ these past few years.  I didn’t have any friends there – and you guys didn’t visit that often! All I could _do_ was miss Perry!”  JD’s tone started to take on a desperate edge and Perry rubbed his shoulder in an attempt to provide him some sort of comfort.

                “You never told me that,” Turk said after a long pause, during which he studied JD’s face carefully.  “You told me that you had friends, that you hung out with your buddies after work.”

                “I lied,” JD said, his voice shaking.  “I had to lie, Turk, or you never would have let me stay out there.  At the time, I thought distance was the best thing for me.  And maybe it was at first – who knows?  But after a while… I don’t know, I just _needed_ someone and the only person who made sense, who I ever loved like that, was Perry.”

                “So what, you just expect me to forget about what he put you through?” Turk asked, throwing his arms up.  “Because you can be damn sure that’s not gonna happen.  You probably don’t even realize how much you’ve changed.  You’re not the same person you used to be.”

                “And you know why that is, Turk?” JD asked in a voice that was suddenly deadly calm.  “Because he hurt me.  Perry hurt me. He knows it, I know it, everyone in this _damn_ hospital knows it! But _you_ should know better than anyone how happy Perry made me and that I forgive people.  It’s what I _do._ So I’m going home with him.  I’ll get my stuff tomorrow.”

                Turk opened his mouth to protest, but JD shook his head.  “I already know how you feel about this,” he said firmly.  “I don’t need you to tell me twenty more times in twenty different ways. We can talk about it tomorrow.”

                Turk took a step forward, his jaw set.  “Don’t think this means things are gonna just be perfect again,” he said in a low voice, looking Perry in the eyes.  “ _I_ don’t forgive.”

                “If I ever hurt him again, rest assured, I’ll let you throw a punch or two,” Perry replied smoothly, completely serious.  With that, he turned, leading JD out of the hospital, leaving Turk to watch them helplessly.  They walked silently to his car, but Perry paused before getting in.  “JD… you’re absolutely certain this is what you want?”

                JD sighed and ran a hand through his hair before looking back at Perry.  “I would really appreciate it if we could just go _home._ I’m done with getting my decisions called into question, okay?”

                Perry nodded.  He still had every doubt in the world that JD could truly forgive him after everything he put him through, but he decided now wasn’t the time to discuss it.  He slid into the driver’s seat, waiting until JD was securely in the passenger seat before starting the vehicle.  He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to say anything.  It was a strange feeling for Perry, not being sure of himself.  That was one thing that, for the most part, hadn’t changed in the last five years.  Regarding medicine, he was still the best damn doctor in the place and trusted his instincts.  But where JD was concerned, things were different and there were far more grey areas than there were black and white.  It was disconcerting, but Perry planned on making sure he did everything right this time.

                JD stared out the window for most of the way back to Perry’s apartment, re-familiarizing himself with the cityscape.  He’d missed this part of the country.  The east coast had treated him well, but he could do without the winters.  He’d dealt with enough snow to last a lifetime growing up in Ohio and was more than ready to leave that behind him.

                There had been a lot of things JD had been intent on leaving behind him when he moved to Boston, first and foremost being Perry.  It had made all the sense in the world to him at the time, though in retrospect, he hadn’t been thinking clearly about anything back then.  It had been, without a doubt, one of the hardest things he’d ever gone through.  More than once, he had considered moving back, even if he took a job at a different, nearby hospital.  At least that way he would have had his support system back.  Despite the allure, he always talked himself out of it.  It felt like he’d be admitting defeat, that he just couldn’t make it on his own away from everyone and he’d suffered enough failure already.  So he’d lied.  Lied to Turk, lied to Carla, to Elliot, to Steve, and even to his family.  _Yes, of course things are going great out here, Mom_ or _Yeah, dude, I’m actually hanging out with some of the guys from work tonight_ or _No, I didn’t just eat my weight in mint chocolate chip ice cream, Elliot, what are you even talking about?_ It had been a difficult five years and that was putting it lightly.

                JD also felt, as a result of such intense emotional upheaval, that he was too reliant on his friends and that being across the country might be a good thing for him.  He could branch out, make other friends.  It wasn’t that he didn’t love Turk and Elliot and Carla, but all three of them had their own ideas about what was best for him, even before things went bad with Perry.  From the moment the two of them announced they were together, there were whispers about “Dr. Cox’s temper” and “JD’s naivety.”  He might have been young, but JD was never stupid.  He was a naturally trusting person, and yes, occasionally to a fault, but JD couldn’t give up on people.  There was good in everyone and that meant there was good in Perry, too.  His friends were wrong, plain and simple.  Even after the breakup, JD somehow maintained that Perry wasn’t all bad, though he didn’t have a single clue what had brought on Perry’s sudden change of heart.  The moment he tried to defend Perry, at least one of his friends jumped down his throat.  _How can you say that, Bambi? Are you crazy?_ In their defense, he had forgotten to take a shower for a week straight.

                But none of that mattered to JD anymore.  Once the initial anger and hurt died down, all that was left was emptiness and based on Perry’s profuse apology, he had felt something similar.  It wasn’t that JD was so lonely that he’d run back into Perry’s arms. Rather it was that he’d forgiven him and knew that Perry had changed.  Just his willingness to marry JD had convinced him of that.  He wasn’t necessarily ready to head to a chapel the next day and get hitched, but the fact that the offer was there was an important statement in JD’s eyes.  JD knew that, realistically, even if he had met a great guy out in Boston, no one would never compare to Perry.  It was Perry or it was no one. Simple.

                Perry killed then engine when he pulled into his usual parking spot at the apartment and slid out of the car, waiting around the front for JD.  JD took his time, looking around at the familiar scenery, his eyes finally falling on Perry as he joined him.

                “Home,” he murmured, looking up at the apartment building.

                “If you want it to be,” Perry said quietly, replacing his arm around JD’s shoulders as he led them inside.  “Always had a place for you here.”

                JD let Perry lead him down the hall, noting that the stock photos hanging on the wall hadn’t changed since he’d been here last.  When they reached Perry’s apartment door, JD couldn’t resist reaching out to run his fingers lightly over the wood, knowing that being back here would bring back memories, both good and bad.  He made a conscious choice to focus on the good while Perry unlocked the door.  He pushed it open and let JD inside first.

                JD’s first impression of the large, open living room was that nothing had changed, but on closer inspection, a lot had changed.  The liquor cabinet was gone and had been replaced by a DVD case that had previously been in the spare bedroom.  Some of the decorations JD had put up were gone, specifically the pictures of him and Perry and their friends.  JD could take a guess as to what had happened to those.

                “I saved them,” Perry said, his voice subdued as he watched JD, seeming to read his mind.  “The pictures.  I still have them.”

                JD nodded.  “Good,” he breathed.  “That’s good.  Not all that different in here.”

                Perry shook his head, still standing awkwardly by the now-closed front door.  “I never was one for interior design,” he said with an attempt at a smile.  “Are you sure this isn’t too much too soon?”

                “I’m sure,” JD said firmly, his eyes finally falling on Perry.  “Are _you_?  Because I gotta tell you, if you’re having second thoughts, I need to know now.”

                “Second – JD, not a chance,” Perry said, blinking in surprise.  “No, no second thoughts.  I just want to be sure that this is what you want.  Even with everything we’ve said, I don’t expect things to just go back to normal.  A lot’s changed.”

                “I know things won’t be the same,” JD said seriously.  “And I don’t think I want them to be.  I want things to just be what they are.  No forcing anything.  Just let everything be whatever it is.”

                “I think that’s a great idea,” Perry agreed.  “Do you want to do anything?  Have you eaten?”

                “I’m not hungry.  Do you think we could just watch a movie?” JD asked, walking slowly over to the couch.

                Perry finally walked further into the apartment, making his way to the DVD case.  “Still like Disney movies?” he asked with a small smile.

                JD peered over the back of the couch at the movies, a genuine smile on his face.  “I haven’t changed _that_ much, Per,” he said softly.  “Just pick one. Surprise me.”

                Perry chuckled, feeling a little lighter now that he’d seen JD smile.  _Finding Nemo_ seemed to be his best choice, remembering all the times JD had watched it and Perry had ignored it and yet somehow always found himself with some of the quotes stuck in his head.  The vast array of Disney movies was one of the few things JD left behind that he couldn’t bring himself to get rid of, for which he was now grateful. 

                He popped the movie into the DVD player and sat down on the couch next to JD, suddenly struck by how familiar this felt.  Sure, things were different and they were going to have to relearn things about each other, but the closeness made it feel like things never changed.

                JD beamed up at Perry when the opening titles came on the screen and he curled up against Perry’s side, tucking himself under his arm.  “You remembered,” he said softly.

                “Of course I did,” Perry said, pressing a soft kiss to the top of JD’s head.  “How could I forget?”

                JD didn’t even make it halfway through the movie before falling asleep with his head on Perry’s shoulder and an arm draped around his waist.  Perry took it as a good sign that JD was comfortable enough to do so despite knowing that JD had the impressive ability to fall asleep just about anywhere.  They hadn’t spoken about their sleeping arrangements and Perry wasn’t certain that JD was ready to share a bed with him yet, but there was no way in hell he was putting JD on the couch for the night.

                He decided on carrying JD into the master bedroom, taking care not to wake him.  He was grateful to find that JD was still an incredibly heavy sleeper.  He covered him up, leaving his clothes on, and turned out the light before heading to the spare bedroom that he rarely even stepped foot into.  Once Perry’s head hit the pillows, it wasn’t long before he started to drift off with “Fish are friends, not food,” on repeat in his head.  It was the first time he’d felt truly at ease in five years.

                JD woke in the middle of the night, automatically turning onto his side, but was surprised to find there was no one lying next to him.  For one horrible second, he thought that everything might have been a dream; it was true that he’d had similar nightmares before, but he soon realized, once his eyes adjusted to the darkness, that he was in Perry’s bed.  He could only assume that, through some act of misguided nobility, Perry was sleeping on the couch or in the spare room.

                JD padded down the hall and pushed the door of the spare room open wide enough to slip inside.  He could just make out Perry’s form in the bed and he didn’t hesitate in crawling into the bed with him, curling around him with his head on Perry’s chest.  They’d slept this way from the moment JD had started spending the night, long before he’d even moved in to Perry’s apartment.  Despite the years that separated then from now, the familiarity of the position was a comfort to JD.  He could almost imagine Perry debating whether or not he should sleep in the same bed as JD.  Leave it to Perry to overthink absolutely everything.  JD managed to fall asleep again fairly quickly, listening to Perry’s even breaths.  He didn’t think about what the next day would bring, how Turk would handle the whole situation, what Steve and Carla and Elliot would think, or what everyone at the hospital would say.  He pushed all of that out of his mind and just let himself be in the moment with Perry.

                Perry woke first the next morning and wasn’t all that surprised to find JD wrapped around him, still sleeping soundly.  Before he even opened his eyes, he smiled softly and moved his hand over JD’s back.  JD shifted against Perry’s chest but remained asleep.  Perry finally opened his eyes, blinking for a few moments against the sunlight filtering in through the window.  It cast a warm glow throughout the room and he could see dust particles floating through the air.  He would have happily stayed there for days, weeks even, but a loud knock on the front door dashed all hopes of such activities.

                JD jolted awake at the noise and looked up at Perry, alarmed.  “Are we under attack?” he mumbled, still out of it.

                Perry couldn’t help but chuckle and he ran a hand through JD’s hair.  “It’s entirely likely,” he said regretfully.  “Better get up before they break the door down.”

                JD sighed as he sat up, rubbing his eyes.  “Of course they couldn’t give us twenty-four hours of peace and quiet,” he grumbled, though his puffy eyes made him look more adorable than threatening.

                “We’ll get through it,” Perry assured JD.  After all, they’d gotten through much worse.


End file.
